Oh, my friends. Prepare for a less than typical post from me this morning. If you like "that Jennifer" well, (fair warning) I'm going to deviate from her a bit right now 'cuz I'm HOT - which is something else for me, especially at 5:13 in the morning, after 2 meditations on anger, relaxing rain music, breath work, a sleeping pill and 6 hours of rest. But here I sit...still pissed off.
Over the past two weeks, I have felt and been around some serious emotions. Ones that have ALL come out of fear. If you don't know, when you take ANYTHING we feel down to the total bedrock of our souls, we only operate out of one of two places, fear or love.
So I get it. Folks are fearful! Not a fun place to be but there we are nevertheless. Fast-forward to my current state of affairs. I not only understand being in a place of fear, I've experienced it many times in my life, including recently.
Fear is not the problem. The problems arise when our ability to control our impulses to lash out, blame, pick at, bully, complain, rage, finger point etc. are completely shot and all that "yummy goodness" spills out all over other souls. Many of them blindsided by the incoming anger. (Think bad day at work then coming home and taking it out on the family - pretty typical, right?)
But here's the deal when it comes to me. I try to be a good person. I think I am but I am sick and tired of trying to please people. Contorting myself, twisting myself, salving over things just to keep the peace. In the career I've had, it's been my M.O. for years because I thought that's what I needed to do as part of my job. I have made many changes over the past 3 years to get out of that space but it's official today I REFUSE to be shamed, compromised or bullied when I know I had nothing but good intentions AND I will apologize/make ammends if I truly did "step in it."
Don't put up with bad behavior swinging in your direction either, because if you allow it, it's like your condoning it. I also hope that anytime any of us are fearful, we take a moment to remember that we are still responsible for what comes out of our mouths. Once that damage is done, even the sincerest of apologies fall flat.
Thank you for allowing "this Jennifer" to get some stuff off her chest. I love people, I really do and I let a lot of things go because I understand human nature but there are times when you just have to pull up those boots and get to steppin'.
I'm outta here.