Under Closer Examination

January 20, 2018

It was just over a week ago when I shared on my Facebook Timeline that I was smack dab in the middle of a bit of a character crisis.  I'm not talking from an ethical or moralistic standpoint, I'm talking from a "Who is this person I'm behaving like and where did she come from?" standpoint.    


I went on to share that I realized I was subsequently operating out of "Small Jennifer Mode" a mode that has me thinking, believing and behaving in ways that are not typical.  Ways that make me feel uncomfortable and at times, like I'm completely betraying myself.  


This is not a regular occurrence...or so I thought.


Under closer examination, it dawned on me that I may not compromise myself to the extent that I did last week, to the extent that I literally felt inauthentic "Small Jennifer" take over, but I have come to see that in little flashes here and there, I am smaller way more often than I would have thought.  


What is "smaller" to me?  Any time you downplay who and what you are to accommodate others.  Any time you do or say things to "fit in", even in the slightest way.  Any time you "walk on eggshells" so as to not "make waves."  Any time you gossip about others so your ego gets fed.  Any time you "hide your light" because you worry it might get in someone else's eyes.  The list could go on and on but the end result is the same.


Hello, small you.


Yesterday I found myself "peacekeeping" instead of just allowing.  I found myself agreeing because it was easier.  Nothing earth-shaking, mind you, but all diminishing in their own ways.  


I don't know if my plan to stay "Big Jennifer", the one who lives authentically, from the heart, with a little head tossed in for good measure will work but I'm going to give it a try and I invite you to join me if you wish.


I am going to begin each day setting the intention and saying a prayer to allow my highest-self, to allow "Big Jennifer" to be the one who shows up that day.  To use me to my best advantage in the support and service of others and to allow me to feel the same support and service from those that cross my path as well.   


Then I will open my eyes, take a deep breath and begin my day as "Big Jennifer."  When I come across a time that I consider compromising myself, I will examine that thought and remain loyal to my commitment to remain "Big Jennifer" and see what transpires.  


In other words, committed to checking myself whenever I realize I am either on my way to playing small or in the midst of it so I can get back to the space I was meant to live from.  


You know when you are operating out of the place you were meant to live from because it feels so good.  So uncontrived.  So authentic.  


Forgive me, but the word authentic gets overused these days.  I believe some people think "authentic" is a permission slip for bad, insensitive and selfish behaviors.  How sad.  Authenticity in its purest form is without show, without manipulation, without dysfunction. 


Authenticity is "big you."


So here's to living life BIG!  To living a life in which we allow our highest selves to be presented to the world each and every day while humbly loving and knowing that all those still "stuck in the small" possess the power to live differently as well.  


It is not our job to "show and tell", it is our job to examine our own behaviors and realign so our big self...can shine, shine, shine.  <3    

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