I Try

April 2, 2018

I have been in a bit of a funk for a couple of days.  I think it's been creeping up on me before I really noticed it Friday morning, just ask my closest girlfriends, I've been "off" for awhile but there's no doubt my funk hit "full-blown status" this morning.   


What I am coming to find out is with a heightened awareness of how I show up in the world, comes my being held to higher standards.


Standards that seem to not allow the unconscious, occasionally petty, egoic, used to be, human me to show up without some serious repercussions.    


Case in point.  I feel some serious residue when I talk about other people.  I could be saying complimentary things overall but if I say anything critical, even if it was my first-hand experience with someone, I am very hard on myself after the fact.  


I also spent the weekend at a couple of family events.  One side of my family is small and pretty serene, one is much bigger and let's just say "less serene."  I found just sitting and being a part of the most recent scuttlebutt, part of the gang, sunk me deeper into my funk.  I wasn't aware of it at the time but this morning, I am on the verge of tears.  


I am certainly no angel and if by chance I ever was, trust me, my wings are devoid of some feathers and my halo?  Tarnished as well as crooked.  I try to live a good life.  I really do.  I bet some of you can relate.  Occasionally, I seriously fall short though. 


So today I'm just trying to quietly make some space.  Many people are quick to believe that because I am outgoing, I am an extrovert and I am not.  I am also not an introvert.  I am an ambivert.  Half and half so days on end of "peopling" with the holiday weekend is contributing to the funk, I assure you.  I need time alone to recharge, so alone is the only "end game" for me this day.


I'm not sure how I feel knowing the bar on "authentic" is getting higher and the paybacks for betraying myself bigger but I do know this.  I've lived with things swirling around me the last several days that just don't work for me anymore and my days and ways of the not too distant past and the majority of my life, just won't cut it any longer.


So here's to all of us striving to navigate the "can be" bumpy road of self-awareness and trusting the "powers that be" in knowing where our bars belong, designed to challenge us and when we fall, holding us accountable to get back up and stretch.  Just like this day. 


Stretch, Raybaud, stretch, time to try again.  


Like the old line "There's no crying in baseball", it seems there will be no slacking when it comes to our becoming the brightest lights we are capable of being.


I am thankful for the catharsis that continues to be my blog and to any souls who were willing to take the time to read it.   

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