Lil' Miss. Brownout

May 29, 2019

"Don't lose yourself" she said to me in support as she bore witness, first-hand to the dis-ease I have been going through.  


That was a couple of weeks ago and in the time since those words were shared, I have come to equate this current time in my life as one of energetic flux, a brownout if you will.


What I find so interesting is this, we all experience ups and downs in life so my being in more of a dip isn't unusual, what's more unusual this time is how much more aware I am of everything going on around and inside of me.  


In particular, I'm aware of the subtle and not so subtle aspects of myself that have faded as I traverse my life these days. I can see them fade, dull, brownout and I'm sad observing this yet I don't have the mental energy to "turn it up." 


I recognized right away some of the things that came naturally to me on a daily basis were not, things like singing at the top of my lungs, listening to music while I got ready to go out, (something I never outgrew from my teenage days) dancing around my house or things like this...writing. I realized I had pretty much stopped doing most or all of them. I've definitely found one of the first things to "go" when I'm allowing these things in life to flow through me, is some of my creativity.  


"Good to know" as my coach would say.  Good to know because of two things, one when I realized my energy was down, I found myself in a state of profound appreciation for that "high watt" girl I have been and still am deep inside.  And two, I could truly see how the life situations I'm being presented with today have brought me to my current status of "Lil' Miss. Brownout." Understanding and acceptance mixed with a little self-compassion are beautiful things when you find yourself in the midst of some serious dis-ease.


Witnessing my behaviors, moods, being aware of what I'm feeling and why, staying curious about all of it while knowing that everything, every single thing in life is impermanent, so is this time and current "energy status" in mine.


Why am I sharing this?  Well, because I felt like writing, which is good because I haven't in a while.  I'm also sharing this because I hope it might help others. I have been looking to reside in a state of nonresistance, in a state of "just show me what I need to know" and to trust the process, instead of fighting my current reality, pushing back against what's been happening or stuffing down feelings, thoughts, emotions and the like.  None of that will do anything to bring the fullness of my light back, or yours if you find yourself in a state of "low light" as well, none of it.  


I also have to say from the standpoint of a teacher and coach, I always learn from what I'm being given these days, whether it's more empathy for those I meet through my line of work or the ability to share the tools I've leveraged that brought me relief...both are gifts. 


Make no mistake, my light has flashes of brightness still, serving as the perfect reminder that this girl won't remain "Lil' Miss. Brownout" for long.  


To your energy and light.



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