This past week was so interesting. It's funny, although I have been on a self-awareness journey for 4 1/2 years now, I am still surprised at my response to things that come up these days.
Earlier this week I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding (this mindfulness educator was not very mindful at all that evening) and it's been a while since I was pulled over but I remember my heart racing, being upset, wanting to cry even but this time I didn't feel any of those things.
In fact, once I realized I had an officer behind me I looked at my speedometer and yes, I had been speeding so I thought, "Ok, this isn't the best way to end my day but I'll take my knocks, I WAS speeding", and then I thought about my car insurance going up and my husbands reaction but then I quickly came back to the fact that I was fine, this wasn't the end of the world and to simply take responsibility for my behavior.
Do you know it was the first time in my life I was given a warning and let go? I won't get into the funny story that transpired during that time I was pulled over but I had a TON of gratitude for the officer cutting me a break. I was amazed at how level-headed I stayed. It was great.
Later in the week, I was at a meeting where the opportunity to get involved in an event with people I enjoy came up. My part of it would be kicking off relatively soon and I have been working my tushie off the past 3 weeks. Combine that with what's become pretty typical for me, "January blahs" and it couldn't have been written on my face more plainly...I wasn't up to taking on a new commitment at this time. They were lovely, extending me "the grace of space" to see if as things settled down, I would have a change of heart but there was no way at that time I could have said "yes."
Finally, I had an encounter with a soul that left me feeling so BLAH after an interaction, I'm shifting the way I show up in that relationship.
What do all three of these things have in common?
That the observer in me, the consummate, curious observer in me has brought me to a place of authenticity that I couldn't have imagined just a few short years ago.
I know myself very well these days, I take responsibility for my behaviors and I will not "contort" myself to please others because when I do, trust me, I dishonor them too. I have come to a place where even if I entertained the idea of "Well, maybe just this time..." every fiber of my being is screaming "NO" until I cannot, not listen so these days, I never say "yes" when I mean "no."
If you are on a self-awareness journey you have probably had similar things happen depending on how long you've been practicing. And if you've not yet begun to "do the work" can I say that living a more peaceful, less reactionary life is worth every moment?
Oh and one of the funniest "side-effects" of me being less reactionary is people thinking I don't have feelings since I'm not freaking out I guess when other people would and I get they might not understand but I certainly have feelings about things, I just don't get overly caught-up in them as much these days.
I love feeling so grounded, so content with who I am and what I bring to the table, liberated from what other people think and showing up authentically in my own life.
I would love to hear YOUR "awakenings" if you care to share in the comments below.
Being an observer "on the shore" instead of a reactionary soul feeling overwhelmed and tossed about by the whims of the world is a wonderful way to live.